Safety Net
by missk14
Summary: The Women in Blue dinner leaves Jen with alot of questions, but does she have the answers? Or does someone else?


**A/N:** Seeing as the forum has shut it doors I thought I'd start transferring all my fics over to :) No surprises that this another Nick and Jen fic, we all know how much I adored them as a pairing. So to those who haven't read this yet I hope you enjoy it and to those who already have over on the old forum I hope you enjoy re-reading it :) xxxxx

**Safety Net.**

The lyrics plagued her mind constantly throughout the entire evening and it still wasn't over. Given the closeness of her relationship with Bernice Waverly she had no chance what so ever of making a quick and swift getaway; no, Jennifer Mapplethorpe, much to her dismay was at this Women in Blue function for the long haul. She welcomed the glass of champagne that was offered to her by a waiter as she stood there trying to dull the thoughts that were running wild through mind. I_ would give all my time, just to spend my nights with you_… did the lyrics have to fit so god damned perfectly, was it by pure chance that the song the choir had sung seemed to suit her frame of mind or was it fate? She'd like to think it was purely coincidental but that didn't stop her from wondering whether it was a sign that she had made the wrong decision. From the moment he left the car she had already begun second guessing herself; especially after his 'moment' during the briefing she felt the guilt flowing through her veins.

"Jennifer, enjoying the evening?" Bernice's question was met with silence as Jen starred off dazedly into the distance, her mind fixated on one person & one person only "Mapplethorpe?"

"Huh?" She shook her head of all thoughts, realising that her superior was standing right in front of her "Sorry m'am."

"Are you enjoying the evening?"

"Its great m'am…really it is. Good cause." She realised she must have sounded either incredibly stupid or very un interested, she wasn't sure which option she would have preferred the Commander assumed.

"Are you okay Jennifer? You seem a bit…dazed."

"Oh I'm fine m'am, honestly. Just…" Only thinking that I've perhaps made the greatest mistake of my life and I may never be able to fix it "I'm a bit tired, this case is taking a lot out of us."

"Go home then…" Bernice smiled realising that Jen was perhaps using the case as an excuse to make a quick getaway "I can make that an order you know Detective."

"Thankyou," Jen smiled as she placed her glass of champagne on the table- she was relieved. All she wanted was to go home and curl up on the couch and go to sleep; she noticed that she never slept on her bed anymore- it was too big, too empty "Is it worth it?"

"Sorry?"

"I know you said it before m'am but is it worth it? Being in the job and…and making the sacrifice?"

"I did say it before and believe me Jennifer I'll say it again. Only you can decide what's right for you."

"But is it worth it? From your point of view, in your opinion…is it worth it?" She felt like a broken record but she needed to know, she needed to know that second guessing her decision to end things wasn't just a giant waste of time

"Like I said…I allowed my career to cost me my marriage and I lost my son. I would never relive that ever again if I had the choice, losing both of them. But…would I change what happened before that? Not for anything. Nothing in the world, no promotion could make me want to change the time I had with my husband and my son. In my opinion…" She sighed, wondering how she could put this without potential altering Jen's life for the worst. She knew there was someone in Jen's life, there was no way she would keep asking the questions if there wasn't "Love doesn't always come around twice…you're damn lucky if it does. If you're really lucky the person you find will love you enough to know how much your career means to you. I guess in that case I was just unfortunate. I hope that answers your question."

Before she had a chance to respond Bernice had walked off and had begun making acquaintances with other people in the room. Maybe she was right; maybe love doesn't always come around twice. She loved Nick, that she was certain of, but she loved him too much to ever be physically parted from him or let him leave Homicide. Despite the fact that it broke her heart to leave him she thought it was the right decision.

It was like a light bulb going off inside her head- thought. That was just it- she didn't know anymore. When she first made the decision to end her relationship with Nick she was certain it was the right choice, she knew she had done the right thing for the long term. But now she didn't know; now she was increasingly doubtful and she wasn't certain. She loved him, but did he love her enough to take her back after the way she just threw him away? He'd put his heart on the line, offered to transfer, he was willing to put everything on hold for her and she pushed him away like she didn't care. She did care; she just hoped that he still knew that.

Seizing the opportunity she made a quick getaway from the function, her heart thumping in her chest as though it was going to leap out at any second. Her hands shaking with nerves and her thoughts running wild with anticipation as she stepped out into the now chilly and slightly windy Melbourne night air. She closed her car door with a sigh of relief as she sat down and enjoyed the warmth, the goose bumps slowly disappeared from her arms but her rapidly beating heart didn't slow. The warmth did nothing to subside the wave of nerves that was still flowing through her rapidly. Nothing stopped her hands shaking as she scrambled for her mobile with a sense of immediate urgency, dialling his number with the hope that he'd pick up and answer.

"Please Nick…" She muttered over the top of the ringing "Please pick up."

"Hi there, you've reached Nick Buchanan…sorry I can't come to the phone right now but please…"

"Dammit!" She threw her mobile across the car and it landed with an almost silent thud on the passenger side floor. No answer, exactly what she was afraid of. She was afraid that he'd seen her number and just let it ring, too hurt and too damaged by her goodbye to even want to answer the phone. It killed her on the inside to think that she'd hurt him so much, she didn't mean to. She just thought that leaving him was better than keeping him waiting for an answer that may never come. What hurt more was that he was still willing to stay back at work for her and complete something that she herself should have been doing… work! It hit her like a ton of bricks- with any luck he'd still be there. Before she knew it she was driving off in the direction of Homicide hoping like mad Nick was still sitting at his desk.

...

He looked at his phone with a heavy sigh- her name flashing on the screen begging for him to call her back. He could do it, call her back, but then he'd be caving against every barrier he had set to save himself from a crushing downfall of defeat and the shattering shards of a broken heart. He was normally a very strong man but there was something about her very being that had the ability to bring him to his knees. He wasn't about to deny it to himself that he'd been left broken hearted and dumbfounded by her decision, despite the fact that somewhere deep in the back of his mind he had expected it. It didn't make things any easier though. It still hurt and he still wanted to call her his own. Even staying back at work didn't help things; there he was still sitting at his desk fiddling around with a pen and paper doing absolutely nothing. The case had been finished off by Duncan and himself a good hour ago. Now it was just him in the office, all alone, trying to comprehend how he was going to get through the rest of his career at Homicide with her sitting right beside him all day every day.

"You look wrecked mate…" Duncan chuckled as he picked up his things from his desk "Go home."

"Nahh I should get finished on this paperwork." Nick sighed, not wanting to face the lonely confines of his bed big enough for two "You go."

"Have you seen the time? C'mon that paperwork can wait, you know it. Don't make me drag you out of here because I will."

"Fine…" Nick sighed with a smile as he gathered his belongings "But if Waverly hounds us about the paperwork, it was your fault." The two of them laughed as they exited the office, although Nick would have much preferred to stay there and throw himself into the paperwork. That way, he'd never have to acknowledge the empty space beside him. Never the less that's where he was headed for yet another night alone.

….

Her heart began a slow decent as she pulled into the car park to see that her car was a lone sole, there was nobody else there. She scanned it over and over again hoping to see his car but it wasn't there. She felt the tears building up in the corners of her eyes, ready to stream gently down her cheeks. Her heart beat evened out slowly as she pulled her car to a stop, the realisation that he had gone was slowly setting in. The epiphany dawned on her that she had possibly made a wrong decision but ironic, she thought, as soon as she tried to rectify that mistake he wasn't there. When she wanted space he was there, when she wanted solitude he was there but when she really wanted him, when she wanted a chance to fix her mistakes he was no where to be seen.

She leant down, grabbing hold of her phone, hoping that this time he'd pick up. He just had to pick up. She was at her wits end; if he didn't pick up now, that was it. If there was no answer now she couldn't go back to him. If he didn't answer this time, she'd know that he didn't want anything more to do with her. It hurt her to know the impact her decision had on him but it was the truth- but if he didn't answer then he didn't want her anymore, not after the way she'd left him.

She continued on her rant of whispers as the phone started ringing, each ring increased the sense of urgency in her voice. Normally a calm woman, she felt herself slowly teetering on the brink of insanity mixed with irrationality- if he didn't answer she'd never forgive herself.

"Nick…please pick up." She begged once again "Oh thank god…" She muttered to herself as she heard someone pick up the phone- but still there was no answer "Nick?" All she could hear were the shaky un even sounds of his breathing, she could tell simply from that that he wasn't okay. But she should've known that from the beginning- he was never going to be okay "I know you're there Nick…answer me. Please, we need to talk." The silence was deafening and it was almost killing her- knowing he was there but not talking to her killed her more than not seeing him "Nick!" She was growing more impatient with him by the second "Fine…just don't talk then. I'm not going to try anymore." And with that she hung up, a single lone tear rolling down her face. That was it- it was over.

...

Nick pulled up the cover as he lay down on the couch- he'd taken to sleeping there recently to avoid the empty feeling of loneliness that came from sleeping where he once used to sleep with Jen. He tried to block out the memories of the past few hours as he lay his head down on the pillow, shuffling around until he found a comfortable niche. But it was useless- trying to block out the memories and trying to find comfort on the couch. Truth was he'd never slept comfortably since Jen had turned him away. Most of the night he spent it, wondering what she was doing and dwelling on the idea of what if. He closed his eyes and slowly began to shut everything out- the guilt of not talking to her, the longing to be by her side and the small amount of anger that he harboured. Not for her, he could never hate her. The anger he'd reserved for himself; for letting her push him away in the first place.

He'd only just begun to nod off when he heard a gentle rapping at the door. He knew who it was straight away; he didn't even have to second guess it. Who else would be knocking on his door at that time of night? Or who would do it with such poise and grace as she was? He was relieved, to say the least, he'd half expected to never hear from her again after the way he acted over the phone. But still there she was, at his front door and whether she was there to bite his head off or take him back he was glad. He opened his front door, not quite sure what to expect, but there she was standing there before him- still in her blue dress that she'd worn to the function.

"Don't even ask me why I'm here!" She was furious and he had to try not to laugh- she did this adorable frown that he loved when she was angry "I called you twice. First time you didn't answer and then you have the nerve to answer the phone and not speak!" He gestured for her to come in and she followed, continuing on her rant as he closed the door behind her "I called you to talk and you were so…so…" She was going to tell him how rude he was when she looked into his lounge room and saw a site that was very similar to her own. The blanket strewn across the couch along with a crumpled up pillow or two, both sure signs that he'd taken to sleeping on his couch. It was then that she felt her heart sink further; seeing the damage she had done first hand hit her all too closely.

"I shouldn't have been like that on the phone." His voice turned to a low husk as he stepped closer, she could feel the warmth of his breath tickle her neck as he stood behind her, he was painfully close "Jen…"

She turned to face him, their faces only centimetres apart, his presence almost intoxicating. It was then that thought turned to a sheer myth and doubt turned into certainty; she'd missed him, she'd missed this. Being so close to someone and not wanting to turn away, standing so close to someone but feeling safe at the exact same time.

"I'm…I… I shouldn't have…at the function, I realised something. Something the Commander said; she mentioned sacrifice. Women in the force, we're always making sacrifices. I can't…I can't do that anymore Nick. I can't make the sacrifice."

"You're a good cop Jen…better than most of us. Don't give that up."

"No! I'm not saying that I'm saying…I can't make sacrifices. I won't… I knew as soon as you left that car Nick that I'd made the wrong choice. I should have taken the risk…"

That was it, the words he'd been wanting to hear the moment he stepped away from her. He took a moment to take it all in, basking in the ambiance of the moment as he tried to comprehend it all. Normally she was so cautious but he didn't want to question her wanting to take a risk. In the seconds it had taken him to comprehend the situation she had begun to crumble before his eyes, she'd exposed a side of her personality that no one else got to see. She was standing before him emotionally vulnerable, tears slowly welling in her eyes from fear that he was about to reject her.

Jen wasn't quite sure what had led her to Nick's front door that night or what had possessed her to walk inside when he offered. But there she was never the less, she'd said exactly what she wanted to or there abouts but still he stood there silently. The silence now was far worse than the one over the phone because now he was in front of here looking at her with his deep brown eyes and there was nothing but silence between them. She took a single step back attempting to create a slow escape for herself, convinced that he didn't want her there. But her movements were met with something pulling her even closer than she was before.

He couldn't stand it seeing her standing before him on the verge of heartbreak, tears forming and a look that suggested she felt worthless was plastered all over her face. In the instant that she tried to walk away from him he took her arm and drew her closer, enveloping his arms around her petite frame before she had the chance to move.

At first she objected to the sudden closeness of their bodies, trying to wriggle free of his hold. Afraid she would become too comfortable and soon have to let him go again. It didn't take long though for her to feel the comfort of his hold, the warmth of his body as she nestled her head against his chest. Or the surprisingly soothing ability that the rhythm of his heart had over her. Eventually she gave into the temptation and settled in his arms, allowing him to hold her there silently.

He smiled against her hair as he kissed it gently; he found it hard to believe that hours earlier the resentment and guilt between the two of them was at an unbearable level. Now he was holding her in his arms the way it should be, silence was all that was needed now as he smiled at her and led her towards his bedroom. Tomorrow he'd tell her he'd already left a letter on Senior Sergeant Wolfe's desk applying for a transfer to another department- tomorrow he would finally give her the present that he'd been keeping hidden in a small black velvet box for three weeks.

But for tonight, neither of them would be sleeping on their couch.


End file.
